


Dear OUAT Writers....

by Polerfan1986



Series: Dear OUAT Writers [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Funny, Mild Language, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6843232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polerfan1986/pseuds/Polerfan1986
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another really random, funnyish one shot, you can tell I’m really not liking the writers lately can’t you.  If you are a diehard Captain Swan fan this is not the fic for you.  This fic is for Rumbelle fans, Snowing fans, Outlaw Queen fans, Ruby and Dorothy fans, and there is a mention from other characters such as Moe French, Jefferson, Dr Whale and Dr Hopper.  Basically my dig at the writers for all that they’ve done with the show recently.  Also Mr Gold has the first name Eli in this because I heard somewhere on the grapevine that it’s his first name but I don’t know how much truth there is to that, but I think Eli Gold has a nice ring to it, plus I like Elijah in The Originals so if both of my favourite TV characters who both constantly wear suits turn out to have the same first name I would love it.  Just to note here, I am aware that there was an Eli Gold in The Good Wife but I really like the name for OUAT Mr Gold as well and incidentally they are both played by Scottish actors.  Also I like that it gives OUAT Mr Gold the title Mr E. Gold, Mr E. as in Mystery which is what his first name currently is, a mystery to be uncovered, cheesy I know lol. Enjoy X.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear OUAT Writers....

Dear OUAT Writers….

We the undersigned citizens of the town of Storybrooke, Maine, hereby send this letter of petition to stop you from continuously making shite of us and our stories by showing blatant favouritism to the characters and relationship of one Captain Killian Jones otherwise known as Captain Hook and one Emma Swan also known as The Saviour.

The following is a list of grievances from many well-known, respected and in some cases feared residents (Gold, Regina we’re looking at you) of the town. They feel that all of these matters require immediate attention and repairing.

Regina Mills/The Evil Queen – You have robbed me of not one but two “true loves” Daniel and Robin Hood. Losing Daniel was traumatic enough but Robin that was even worse. Robin's death is entirely Emma's fault. If we hadn't gone to the underworld with Emma after she insisted on blackmailing Rumple so she could go and get Hook back, Belle and Zelena would never have ended up in the underworld because Rumple wouldn't have been there for Hades to blackmail him, Hades would never have come to Storybrooke because Zelena wouldn't have been there to kiss him, restart his heart and open the portal and Robin would still be alive and you actually expect me to be on the same side as Emma and help her, after she and Hook made out not ten feet away from Robin’s grave, I couldn’t even mourn him in peace. You had to shove Emma and Hook in my face and you expect me to be her friend and Robin hasn’t even been gone a week, I don’t think so. Also since I have been redeemed my character has lost all of her spunkiness and become totally boring, how very dare you, I’m quite unhappy with the heroes in your writing as well they are all hypocrites even me, I would never tell Zelena to go and find true love with Hades I would never be that stupid to think that would actually happen, that he would be capable of truly loving anything and I'm shocked that you actually wrote that and wrote us as helping him. 

I would like to say at this point that if it weren’t for Henry being in my life I wouldn’t give Emma Swan the time of day. Rumplestiltskin said something the other day in conversation and I totally agree with him, it feels like the only couple on the show entitled to true love according to the writers are Emma and Killian and that the writers would rather bump the rest of us off than spend any quality time on our stories because that would mean time away from Emma and Killian. He's right, it's become painfully obvious that you writers are obsessed with Captain Swan and don't care at all about the rest of us, you practically torture Rumple and Belle and Robin when he was alive was sidelined pretty much the same way Belle is and Snow and Charming oh my god, boring with a capital B, where's the fierce little warrior princess I watched grow up. One more thing I am outraged that you thought my mother and my half-sister were worthy of redemption, my mother was a controlling tyrant and Zelena is a psycho bitch neither one of them deserved redemption. 

Elijah Gold/Rumplestiltskin – You have complete idiots accusing me of being an abuser, I have never abused my wife, I lied to her and admittedly that was wrong of me but it was not abuse by any stretch of the imagination and I will add my wife over reacted to those lies. I love her but she's not peter perfect either, she has lied to me as well about accepting me as the beast. Had I known the truth that she never truly accepted me as the beast I would not have married her as soon as I did, I think the characters of both myself and my wife have been assassinated beyond recognition by the show writers. You have written her as someone who is a complete brat and is not prepared to accept me for who I am, and also who is constantly trying to change me into something I’m not to suit herself and her ideals of heroism. If I do change my ways it will be my choice and I certainly won't need my wife to coerce or emotionally blackmail me to do it. I do love her very much but you portrayed me as telling her that I love the dagger as well, that horrified me, I don't love that dagger I hate the bloody thing because it can be used to take my free will away from me, no one should ever have that kind of control over anybody else. Also you separated me from my son and when I did finally find him you had Zelena lock me up in a cage for a year and kill Bae. 

Also you wrote my wife using the dagger on me not once but three times now and you had her go to Zelena for advice and take a sleeping curse on her advice which put herself and our baby at untold risk. On the subject of the baby, do you really think that it was the right time to write my wife and I having a baby into the story when we can hardly stand to be in the same room as each other at the moment, do you really think a baby is going to fix the mess you’ve made of our relationship? Furthermore other villains including the one who killed my son are granted redemption at the drop of a hat but I’m bounced back and forward like a yo-yo between good and bad. I have had my magic for longer than anyone else ever has, I can control it and I can use it like no one else ever has before or since and the rest of them wouldn't know what to do with it or have any idea how to properly control it, I have used it to do good things in the past which are constantly overlooked or conveniently forgotten, I seem to recall saving many children in the past among other things so I could easily use it to do good again if I so choose but you continually drag me down and ostracize me in your writing instead of letting me use the dark magic for good. I think I speak for all of us in Storybrooke when I say good or bad pick one and stick with it. The so-called saviour as it turns out is no better than Hades was, they both like blackmail and then she barges in on an argument between myself and my father-in-law and thinks she has the right to ask for my help. I have news for you she is the saviour not the judge, jury and executioner of everyone else in this town. My wife is a far better, braver, more intelligent character than you have written her as and I'm deeply disappointed in you for writing her so poorly on your show. 

Belle Gold – I can’t believe you have written me as such a weak, pointless, insipid, annoying, whining character in this story. I can’t believe that you would have me using the dagger to command my husband like a dog on a leash that is absolutely despicable. It’s bad enough that usually I’m hardly in the story any way and when I am I’m just a walking reference book or leverage instead of being a decent character in my own right, but now I’ve been reduced to the role of an incubator as well. I reiterate what my husband said, do you really think a baby at this stage in the game is going to fix the mess you’ve made, do you really think it’s that easy or that people watching are that stupid that they can’t see the games you’re playing with them. 

Also if you ever do decide to restore my character try doing it without having to drag my husband’s character down to try and make me look like a victim which I am not or him a bastard which he isn't, my husband never abused me and the only thing I have been victim of is my own wilful ignorance and stupidity. Also I’m unhappy with the fact that my father doesn’t credit me with enough intelligence to have chosen my own husband myself. I am also absolutely disgusted that you thought the woman who locked my husband away for a year and killed my step-son was a suitable candidate for redemption. My husband deep down is a gentle soul and a better character than you are giving him credit for and I would never abandon him, I love all of him including the parts that belong to the darkness and the way you have portrayed him and myself on your show is so uncalled for, disingenuous and unfair and it saddens me deeply. But of course the only ones entitled to true love on the show your writing are Emma and Killian isn't that right. 

David Nolan/Prince Charming – I’m upset that both myself and my wife have been made to look like useless, boring idiots and side pieces to our daughter’s story. You have made me look like I'm as dumb as a box of rocks. I'm angry that you ever paired our daughter with that pirate in the first place and that you make it look like my wife and I never do anything interesting. What happened to the tough no nonsense Emma who first came to town, Emma who took no bullshit from anyone, who was independent and didn’t need a man to make her feel complete, especially a man who has tried to kill several of the people she is supposed to be friends with, I'm disappointed that my daughter has been portrayed as being so disloyal and I don't recall when Henry last had any quality time with either of his mothers and even he has been written as a pointless character. On that note what happened to my wife being a tough warrior woman, you've made my wife and I out to be a right pair of sheep. I am also annoyed that Snow and I have been portrayed in your writing as sanctimonious hypocrites claiming to be friendly with other characters but really not giving a crap about anyone but ourselves and Emma. I’m disappointed that my daughter thinks she can bully and blackmail people into doing what she wants and that she then thinks she has a right to ask for their help. 

Mary Margaret Nolan/Snow White – I reiterate everything that David has said and furthermore I would like to say I don’t appreciate having a haircut that makes me look like a boy or my daughter looking like a drug addict. I also don’t like being portrayed as someone who constantly abandons her child either. I’m also unhappy that my daughter seems to have turned into a brat who thinks that the world revolves around her and Killian and we should all drop what we’re doing whenever she asks us to. Emma if you read this your father and I love you very much but you’ve lost the plot and you and Hook are not good for each other and I’m sorry but you and he are not the only people in this town who are entitled to true love and happiness. Also I would like to point out that it doesn't seem to have occurred to you writers that if you redeem every single villain then you make the heroes of the story redundant and the likes of Zelena and Cora definitely did not deserve redemption. 

Archie Hopper/Jiminy Cricket – Abandonment issues, where have I gone, did I get lost walking Pongo or something.

Victor Whale/Dr Frankenstein – same as Dr Hopper, I feel like I’ve been kicked to the curb, I thought this show was supposed to have an ensemble cast, next time Emma or Killian need stitched up don't come crying to me for help.

Jefferson Milliner/The Mad Hatter – who am I again, what was the point of me?

Maurice French – I'm deeply unhappy with the way I have been written as not loving my daughter, or giving any consideration to her feelings. I truly love her and I would never have her kidnapped and try to wipe her memories of her husband. I would certainly never behave like the total asshole you have made me look like by purposely keeping her and her unborn child in a cursed sleep which could do them god knows what kind of harm merely because my son-in-law and I do not see eye to eye with each other, I was at their wedding for God's sake. Besides no one decides Belle's fate but her. My daughter is a brave, intelligent woman and I would never treat her as anything less. I’m am also unhappy with your writing several of the other townspeople masquerading as friends of my daughter but actually only using her for information or leverage and not giving three straws about her, that would never happen in this town Belle is too smart to let people pull one over on her like that and the people in this town are better than your making them out to be they wouldn't use her, of course you don't care about that because your attention is elsewhere cough Captain Swan cough.

Ruby Lucas/Red Riding Hood – speaking for herself and Dorothy Gale who is currently attending to matters in Oz. Dorothy and I feel that the relationship between us was a rush job, that it was something you felt you had to do rather than something you really wanted to do and it was also a desperate attempt to draw attention and grab ratings. The relationship should have been allowed to develop properly over time and treated with a bit more respect. On that matter, viewers were led to believe thanks to your previous writing that I would be in a relationship with Mulan not Dorothy, why mislead people like that. I think I speak for every resident of Storybrooke and every person who has contributed to this letter when I say if you are going to do something do it right and do it justice and that applies to all of our stories, not just mine because you’ve made quite a mess of all of them.

As you can see the list of grievances is indeed quite lengthy (very bloody lengthy dearies) “Rumple look what you've made me write, stop reading over my shoulder”, the town residents feel like there is no point in any of them being included in this story because the focus is so blatantly on Emma and Killian and the episode "Last Rites" clearly highlights that you the writers do not care what happens to any of the other characters except Killian and Emma and that therefore no one else is going to come out of this story with a happy ending. That is to say nothing of the myriad of other characters in town such as Mother Superior/The Blue Fairy, Elsa, Anna, King Arthur, Merida and Merlin who are shaking their heads mystified and asking "what was the point of me" in this story. So it is highly recommended that if you wish the show to retain and perhaps even regain viewers and for it to be remembered in a positive light after it eventually ends rather than as a complete and total disaster and a waste of time that you begin making efforts to attend to the other characters mentioned above and repair the damage you have done immediately. If you cannot be bothered your arses writing them properly and doing them some justice the residents of Storybrooke demand that you cease and desist all writing in relation to them, their families and their stories as they feel that continuing on the current path as it is would be an insult to them and all those fans who have read, watched and loved their stories. If you do not then know that Rumplestiltskin and Regina are just itching to get their hands on you.

Yours sincerely

The pissed off citizens of Storybrooke, Maine.

Miss R. Mills (Town Mayor), (correction royally pissed off town mayor)

Mr E. Gold (Town Landlord, Lawyer and Pawnbroker), (Deal maker extraordinaire, looks fantastic in leather and dragonhide) “Rumple, you’ve made me do it again” “Sorry dearie” (Bastard extraordinaire when it comes to the rent would be more like it) “Whale, I'm warning you”

Mrs B. Gold (Town Librarian), (Currently trying to detach her husband’s hands from the good doctor’s throat)

Mr D. Nolan (Town Sheriff), (Currently trying to keep the mayor from killing his daughter's “boyfriend”)

Mrs M. A. Nolan (School Teacher), (Currently booking a group therapy appointment for everyone with Dr Hopper)

Dr A. Hopper (Town Psychiatrist), (Currently packing bags to flee the town)

Dr V. Whale (Chief Surgeon in Storybrooke General Hospital (Currently holding an ice pack against his bruised neck)

Mr M. French (Town Florist), (I’m only signing this because my son in law has a cane stretched across my throat) Whack!! (I hereby retract my previous statement, I am signing this entirely of my own free will and because I love my daughter and future grandchild very much and I am under no threat what so ever from my saintly son-in-law.) "That’s better dearie, although saintly might be pushing the boat out a bit” 

Miss Lucas and Mr Milliner where unavailable to sign the letter as Miss Ruby has gone to help Dorothy in Oz and Mr Milliner's whereabouts are for the time being unknown. So Mrs Gold signs on behalf of Miss Lucas and Mr Gold signs on behalf Of Mr Milliner.

P.S. Please find in the package which accompanied this letter some of Mayor Mills delicious homemade apple pies.

P.P.S Please also find enclosed a flask containing a little poti..drink to help wash the pies down from Mr Gold.

**Author's Note:**

> Also I commented today on an article (as I do sometimes) with one of my predictions for how I think the series might end and I’m going to put it here in the notes, just so people know that it’s mine. Lately I have a habit of writing things in my comments on articles and other web sites that I read after and think that would actually be good material for a fan fic. I’m sure everybody has their own ideas and predictions for how the show will end so this is one of mine: The way I see it is this: Emma is the saviour who is apparently supposed to save or restore all the happy endings that's what the writers have told us and I think the only way for this to happen is to end the series by sacrificing Emma, as the fate of saviours tends to be being sacrificed. I think when this happens everybody else's happy endings will be restored and that's one of my predictions for how this show (whole series) will end. I just think this fits with the ideas of what is written in literature, the theme of saviours being sacrificed, their sacrifices are catalysts for change etc. It's also one of the few (that I can think of at present) solutions to reset the horrible material the writers have written, if her sacrifice sends every one of the main group (Regina, Rumple, Belle, Snow, Charming, Hook) back to the enchanted forest and back in time to before she was born but with the knowledge of what happened in that version of their future they can do things differently. It's only one theory of many.


End file.
